tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76106542011-09-03T16:27:04.954-04:00SAFE FOR THE WHOLE FAMILYTimmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.comBlogger5051100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-78593911844302786632007-07-25T06:52:00.001-04:002007-07-25T07:19:50.392-04:00

So this is it: the last Blogs Get Slaughtered post. (I considered providing a link to a suicide-counseling site as a courtesy to coping readers, but decided against it at the last second). The reason for the abrupt end to the blog has absolutely nothing to do with any sort of burn-out or boredom; on the contrary, I'm more full of uneducated, ethnocentric, bombastic rhetoric than ever before. I

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com45tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-71264919296804998762007-07-20T10:57:00.000-04:002007-07-20T11:29:12.357-04:00

It's a simple question. I mean - they had to use something. You can't tell me that 7 adults (4 men, 3 women) can spend three seasons on a deserted island without fornicating at least a few times. The cast of Big Brother can't even seem to go a half-episode without doing The Dirty. You would think that Mary Ann's perky milk balloons and pigtails would guarantee at least two or three illegitimate

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-71137797098000916772007-07-18T11:38:00.000-04:002007-07-18T11:41:14.988-04:00

Please do not ask me if I want to hold your baby. I know that you expect me to say “yes”, and I know that you’ll think that you’ve heard wrong when I say “no” (after all, who wouldn’t want to hold the product of your sperm and egg omelet?), but I’d really rather not. You see – I’ve dropped a few babies in my time, and by “a few” I mean “exactly four”, and the last thing that I want is to get into

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-43597062559174085532007-07-16T13:21:00.000-04:002007-07-16T14:56:57.576-04:00

I'm betting most of you assumed that a post titled "Guilty Pleasures" would undoubtedly be some sort of confession of guilt to acts of statutory rape, but (unfortunately) the topic of this post is much less exciting than that.Like everyone else in the world, Timmy loves him some guilty pleasures. "What's a guilty pleasure?" you ask. Well, have you ever listened to Ratt or Poison in your car on

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-42407652503415341142007-07-12T13:36:00.000-04:002007-07-12T13:37:05.328-04:00

[Blogs Get Slaughtered: 3 years and counting...]

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-21418901865292388652007-07-11T13:17:00.000-04:002007-07-11T13:35:05.794-04:00

...not much happening in Ol' Timmy's world these days. No baseball on television (All-Star break), no good films out, no new rashes in the crotchal region. If things get any slower, they'll be moving backwards. So I've had no choice but to amuse myself (and for once, that's not just a euphemism for masturbation - my dead relatives in heaven are pro'ly getting pretty tired of having to see me do

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-45855181042797509562007-07-10T12:55:00.001-04:002007-07-10T13:16:52.258-04:00

Before all of you PC pansies start screaming "Racist! Racist!" at me and calling for an Al Sharpton press conference, let me preface this post by saying that I am in no way shape or form discussing slavery in terms of some perceived hierarchy of races. I'm simply writing about slavery as an economic system.With that said, my life would undoubtedly be better if I were enslaved. The reasons why are

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-58113469247261426222007-07-06T11:05:00.000-04:002007-07-09T10:38:39.247-04:00

I'm bored. And we all know what ol' Timmy loves to do when he's bored...(No, not that...Blow-Up Betty has a slow leak, and is completely deflated at the moment.) I'm talking about my other favorite pastime: making pointless, self-important lists, and posting them on the internet.So here's a list of things that I've never owned or bought. Enjoy.1. A computer - Believe it or not, all of these

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-27209022384450826582007-07-04T09:34:00.000-04:002007-07-04T09:42:13.442-04:00

Happy 4th of July, America. You may not be the prom queen that you were fifty of sixty years ago, but any nation that's the home of both baseball and the $3.99 all-you-can-eat Pancho's Mexican buffet is alright by me.I may not always agree with the decisions of my nation's business and political leaders, but there's no place on Earth that I'd rather live.God bless America.[*sound of fireworks*][

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-53901385599217257512007-07-02T14:00:00.000-04:002007-07-03T10:14:56.216-04:00

Okay - it's a scientific fact that pretty much everything in a person's life is determined by heredity, environment/experience, and bourbon-intake. For years now, people have been arguing over whether or not someone can be born gay, and if you think ol' Timmy is gonna settle that one in a single post, your thought process is most strongly influenced by bourbon-intake. I don't have the time or

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-77607841064417313842007-06-28T16:58:00.001-04:002007-06-28T17:37:42.618-04:00

Just a heads-up: you can expect more spelling and grammatical errors in my posts in the near future."Why is that, my dear Timmy? Have you discovered a new huff-worthy household cleaning product? Has the Blogs Get Slaughtered secretary quit?"Actually, it's because I'm having to write new posts in under three or four minutes because there's this new Asian kid here at work who loves to (literally)

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-8593260536652138812007-06-26T12:34:00.000-04:002007-06-26T12:57:06.417-04:00

I don't know if it's just a clever publicity campaign for the new Evan Almighty film or what, but it's been raining cats and dogs here in Texas for the last month straight. Yesterday, I almost stepped in a poodle (HA! 2nd-Grade Timmy would've loved that one). It's been raining so hard and for so long that it's getting difficult to remember what dry even feels like. But on the plus-side, I'm now

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-73838507586408884782007-06-25T11:48:00.000-04:002007-06-25T11:49:59.720-04:00

Many people are unaware that astronomers monitor reggae album sales very closely. You see - reggae sucks. It sucks hard. So hard, that it has been known to actually alter the planets' orbits.Don't get me wrong, I listen to a wide variety of music genres - death metal, speed metal, doom metal, heavy metal, and even just plain ol' metal, but I absolutely hate reggae.I once tried to explain this to

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-6628931965875693652007-06-20T18:58:00.000-04:002007-06-20T19:02:33.719-04:00

I ran across this guy's myspace.com page by chance today. I don't think any commentary is necessary.[end transmission]

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-37454268274948716072007-06-20T12:55:00.000-04:002007-06-20T13:24:00.764-04:00

It seems like you can't turn on the television these days without seeing either an ad for some new film starring a member of the cast of The Office, or some "news" story about some young Hollywood starlet getting into trouble.And, of course, there's nothing that the media loves more than to crucify these girls on national television. Whether they're talking about Paris Hilton's jail term, Lindsay

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-39064977628514196092007-06-18T13:22:00.000-04:002007-06-18T13:37:27.441-04:00

When I was younger, there was nothing that I loved more than those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books (except for maybe lighting things on fire and the smell of turpentine, but we'll save those stories for later). In case you're unfamiliar with the CYOA books, I'll quickly fill you in (and I hope y'all don't bitch about me filling y'all in too quickly, like my ex used to): basically they're

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-75316965084704318272007-06-13T12:45:00.000-04:002007-06-14T14:15:47.284-04:00

Texas high school science and history courses are about to get a whole lot more interesting thanks to recent legislation passed into law by Governor Rick "Hair Helmet" Perry. "Under the new law, religious beliefs expressed in homework, artwork and other assignments are to be judged by traditional academic standards. Students can't be penalized or rewarded because of the religious content of their

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-83366031144317105362007-06-12T15:36:00.000-04:002007-06-12T16:00:02.653-04:00

I don't care where you stand on the whole gun-control issue, this is some pretty (unintentionally) funny stuff. While on a computer at my parents' house, I ran across an essay my brother had written while attending junior college (I'm not sure exactly in which of the 6 years he spent there it was written). For a little background information on my brother, you can check out either of these posts

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-64958219276568069842007-06-08T21:43:00.000-04:002007-06-10T00:56:21.427-04:00

So the other day, I happened to overhear a conversation that went something like this:Guy #1: Asians smell like shit.Guy #2: Dude, did you just say what I think you said? What a fucking racist!"What a fucking racist, indeed!" I thought. No - not the guy who said that all Asians smell, he was dead-on. The guy who pulled the race card was the real racist.Let me explain: First of all, what Guy #1

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-3184724297652905282007-06-06T17:17:00.000-04:002007-06-06T17:19:18.072-04:00

[I have very limited computer access at this time, so posts will be kind of sporadic for the next few days. In the meantime, hug a puppy.]

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-44870814506206209322007-06-04T13:35:00.000-04:002007-06-04T14:01:54.141-04:00

It seems to me that the ability to do 'The Robot' is the solution to all of life's problems. 'The Robot', in case you are unaware, is that dance where people dance like...well, like robots."How in the hell would that solve any of your problems?"Good question, imaginary reader. First you must understand that absolutely everybody on Earth loves 'The Robot' and thinks that its hilarious (except for

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-83550745619298211102007-05-31T10:39:00.001-04:002007-05-31T11:16:15.874-04:00

Why is it that everyone thinks shit made in Europe is inherently of higher quality than shit made in the U.S.? Europeans seem to think so, and so do Americans. That's why you have (Chrysler) commercials that brag about the German engineering behind automobiles.And Americans eat this shit up. They think that just because some dude's got some fancy European accent, he's automatically smarter than

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-40398854191355866592007-05-29T13:35:00.001-04:002007-05-29T13:35:46.206-04:00

I've never understood kids' fascination with dinosaurs. It seems like every human under the age of ten years thinks that dinosaurs would make good pets, and many of these kids are actively involved in scientific research in order to develop the technology that will allow them to actually morph into dinosaurs themselves.So why am I not joining them on the Brontosaurus Bandwagon?Because dinosaurs

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-40222207302058958052007-05-24T12:17:00.000-04:002007-05-24T14:01:57.553-04:00

I'm getting fucked by gasoline prices. Not taken out to a movie and a nice dinner, given a few glasses of wine, and gently penetrated on 800-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets with Marvin Gaye playing on a nearby shelf-system, just plain fucked. No KY. No cuddling afterwards.I would just start pawning stuff, but the only things that I own of any value are my vehicles, and pawning those for gas

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-20777097969263005932007-05-21T11:55:00.000-04:002007-05-21T13:12:18.199-04:00

I've been looking for a (new) job for a few weeks now, and let me tell you - it ain't easy. Now I know what you're thinking: "Why don't you just hit up that chick with the neck tat and the multiple abortion scars who works the corner of Berry and Hemphill?" But I'm not talking about the kind of job where I do the payin', I'm talking about the type I job where I'm the one getting paid. You know -

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-47012969629756429782007-05-17T11:11:00.000-04:002007-05-18T10:50:05.926-04:00

Tomorrow is "Ride Your Bike To Work Day" or something like that. I guess the organizers think that all 100 people who participate are going to save the environment. I bet that Al Gore gets a chubby just thinking about 100 fewer cars on the road tomorrow morning. He pro'ly jacks off to the thought of trees being animated and growing arms and legs and kicking the asses of all of the Hummers that

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-68933530014125980522007-05-14T15:48:00.000-04:002007-05-14T16:13:59.219-04:00

Usually, when I'm stuck in traffic, I just try and make up clever euphemisms for masturbation or anal sex. But my creative juices just weren't flowing this morning (so to speak), and I decided to go ahead and turn on the ol' FM. I wasn't really playing close attention, and I was kind of busy trying to find the cap to my Jim Beam bottle and giving driving suggestions to a car full of Koreans using

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-34575814574306929492007-05-10T15:56:00.000-04:002007-05-10T16:02:13.330-04:00

Funny stuff. Read it. Laugh at it. Try not to think about it while you're flying to Sydney."After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems and document their repairs on the form. The pilots then review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-44618946611892497712007-05-08T14:28:00.000-04:002007-05-08T14:31:08.085-04:00

[My oldest basset hound turns 8 today, and she requested that I repost her favorite blog entry of mine as a gift. So here it is. Happy birthday, you furry little retard.]I know that this may surprise many of you, but I'm rarely followed by the paparazzi. I'm not quite sure whether they're just not clever enough to track me down or if they're just too busy snapping pictures of Britney Spears using

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1818074224248045552007-05-07T11:54:00.001-04:002007-05-07T12:24:22.879-04:00

Saturday evening, as I sat down to watch the Mayweather / De La Hoya fight, everything was right with the world. I didn't have to go to work the next morning, my belly was full of dead animals, and I was about to watch a couple of minorities beat the hell out of each other - a win-win situation, as one friend phrased it (but he's black so he can say things like that).Then, out-of-the-blue,

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-19879215374613593432007-05-03T13:45:00.000-04:002007-05-03T14:02:15.247-04:00

Since the pubic scool sistem has gypped me out of a decent education, I've had to learn how to get through life using knowledge gleaned from other sources (read: television). I learned not to disobey my Pa and shoot at birds with my BB gun from The Andy Griffith Show, and pretty much everything else I know came from beer commercials. It's not much, but here's what I've learned:1. There are two

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-80972925117194726412007-05-01T12:49:00.000-04:002007-05-01T15:11:18.055-04:00

Dear Crazy-Hat Guy,I don't know exactly who in the hell you are or why I run into you near my place of employment so often, but this whole crazy-hat business must come to a stop. I'm not sure if your just trying to get people's attention or what, but your hats are just too damned crazy for public-viewing.Last week, I saw you over by the 7-11 wearing a toboggan. Not just any toboggan, but one of

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-7095199258571861712007-04-27T13:53:00.000-04:002007-04-27T13:56:24.921-04:00

...like the Texas heat.It's about to get hotter than nine kinds of hell down here in Texas, and (according to the magic people that live inside my television) the rest of the nation is going to have to cope with 100-degree temperatures as well (something about global warming). It's only a matter of weeks before it once again gets to the point where the burning sensation that I feel when I pee

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-84013974066134240592007-04-25T13:02:00.000-04:002007-04-25T13:39:07.466-04:00

I am not a health nut. I don't eat anything that didn't at one time moo, I don't ride bicycles for fun, and I don't know the damned differences between salad dressings because I've never eaten a salad. Ever.But even in the world of fatty, greasy, cheese-filled culinary indulgences in which I live, there is still some hierarchy of quality. On one end of the spectrum you have the barbecue joints,

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-68821901961458958322007-04-23T10:51:00.000-04:002007-04-23T11:19:41.351-04:00

So this weekend I was at a museum, shuffling around, pretending to actually be interested in learning, when I saw something strange. Now - I know I'm going to come off as a real asshole when I tell y'all this (destroying my hard-earned reputation as a kind-hearted, gentle soul), but what happened happened and I can't change that. They had this exhibit on airplanes, and they'd decided to include

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-90193635438863732282007-04-19T12:00:00.000-04:002007-04-19T12:35:54.150-04:00

It's a scientific fact that retards are only fit to work in one of two professional fields in our society: grocery-bagging and radio (and maybe politics, but we won't get into that). This is why it doesn't surprise people when they turn on their radios and hear some mouth-breathing jackass talk about a set of tits he saw on the way to work for hours and hours. This is also why I try not to listen

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-74146236645373473172007-04-17T10:39:00.000-04:002007-04-17T11:01:39.231-04:00

As you've all probably heard by now, some crazy Korean went on a shooting spree on the Virginia Tech campus yesterday morning, and took the lives of over 30 innocent people. According to what I've heard/read (I'm literate, as far as y'all know), he shot 2 people in a dormitory, and two hours later went on a shooting rampage on the other side of campus. Police have confirmed the fact that the same

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-13659915648347642612007-04-13T14:46:00.000-04:002007-04-13T15:10:30.131-04:00

I don't really know anything about Don Imus. I'd never even heard of the guy until about a week ago, and I've never heard his radio show. For all I know he could be a right-winger, left-winger, sports-guy, morning DJ, or just some guy operating out of his basement. But I do know this: the guy seems to be getting batted around like a pinata lately, and everyone seems to be overreacting to all the

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-48928567783339530392007-04-11T10:45:00.000-04:002007-04-11T11:23:10.827-04:00

I get pissed off a lot. It's not 'a lot' like "I like Pantera a lot", it's more like a "I masturbate to Grey's Anatomy with the sound turned off a lot" 'a lot'. In other words, constantly.I get pissed at people because they're old, I get pissed at people because they're rich, I get pissed at people because they're Oriental, I even get pissed at people just because they appear to be happy or are

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-86680465125678923222007-04-09T13:59:00.000-04:002007-04-09T14:02:30.147-04:00

Earlier this week (or was it last week?) I turned on the ol' boob tube in anticipation of the first baseball game of the regular season (not realizing that the game was only going to be broadcast on cable - which I don't have), only to find out that Fox wasn't airing a traditional noon-time baseball game because they were broadcasting coverage of a bunch of rednecks making left-hand turns instead

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-14738252875501122072007-04-05T13:52:00.000-04:002007-04-05T14:13:36.237-04:00

Dear Guy Who Wrote "I Love Pussy" In The Bathroom Stall,What's up, buddy? I was taking the Browns to the Super Bowl earlier this morning, when I had the opportunity to peruse some of your work. I must say that you make a fine point, and I'd just like to take this time to thank you for blessing the world (or at least the people who use that particular stall) with your pearls of wisdom.Most people

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-60128568219957970782007-04-03T11:35:00.000-04:002007-04-03T11:59:09.081-04:00

What the fuck?The presidential election is more than a year and a half away, and it already seems to be in the news everyday. I try not to think about the election until about a half-hour before I vote. Usually, I just give my basset hounds a couple of beers and force them race each other in the front yard. The neighborhood kids love it. I let the pudgy, mildly-retarded one represent the

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-6265911655699813022007-04-02T11:16:00.000-04:002007-04-02T13:24:48.683-04:00

Baseball season begins today (technically yesterday, but that was only one game). For True Americans Patriots such as myself, it's like Christmas, Kwanzaa, Labor Day, and Halloween all wrapped up into one kick-ass holiday.Some people get it, and some people don't (mostly communists and the type of people cry during weddings), but there's nothing quite like America's pastime. It's the game of

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-56424682777907638802007-03-30T10:35:00.000-04:002007-04-02T09:59:25.960-04:00

Every Texan knows the Texas pledge of allegiance to the state flag by heart even before conception. This is a medical fact."Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one and indivisible."But here's the interesting thing: the pledge is a bold-faced lie.Now before y'all start reaching for you six-shooters and whatnot, let me explain. You see, Texas is actually divisible by

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-25691700802337900522007-03-27T16:21:00.000-04:002007-03-27T19:10:43.420-04:00

A guy will say just about anything to get a girl to do the no-pants-dance with him. This is a scientific fact, and you can't argue with science.Over the years, I've made some pretty ridiculous claims in order to try and get various girls with low self-esteems (and tolerances for alcohol) to ride the baloney/bologna pony. So I decided to compile a list of lies told (none were by me, actually) to

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-23379956570348011432007-03-26T13:25:00.000-04:002007-03-26T13:34:31.359-04:00

[Foreigner (the band) is going to be in town in a couple of weeks (not that I'm going...seriously...), and it was that fact that reminded me of this long-forgotten post. The original post generated exactly one comment, and one-comment (or fewer) posts are usually about one of three subjects: 1) religion 2) politics 3) some random, ultra-offensive, ethnocentric subject, that is ambiguously

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-16348391591535990842007-03-21T12:36:00.000-04:002007-03-21T13:02:32.118-04:00

I fucking hate hipsters.Yeah, yeah - I'm very aware of the fact that 99.6% of all people who say they hate hipsters are, in fact, hipsters themselves. But this ain't the case with Timmy. You see, I don't sport AC/DC shirts to be ironic or retro or whatever; I wear AC/DC shirts because they fucking rock.If you don't know what a hipster is, just head to your local Starbucks and look for the kids

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-23235178027964307082007-03-19T13:28:00.000-04:002007-03-19T13:58:04.893-04:00

Those Canadians are some sneaky bastards.Unlike a Chinaman, or a Mexican, or one of those people with red dots on their forehead, its sometimes hard to tell a Canadian from a reg'lar ol' American. First of all, they speak American. Secondly, Canada's racial make-up is similar to the States'. And thirdly, they're just plain sneaky.I can't count the number of times (meaning the number is greater

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-79619484245522356792007-03-16T13:02:00.000-04:002007-03-16T13:31:22.236-04:00

Everyone from my imaginary girlfriend who lives in Canada to the Cambodian sex slave who lives in my friend Ted's basement can't stop talking about this new book cleverly titled The Secret. Now, I haven't actually read this book, because that would, by its very definition, require me to do some reading (so unAmerican), but from what I gather it has something to do with getting whatever you want

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-71359218830814277772007-03-14T12:30:00.000-04:002007-03-14T12:38:09.628-04:00

[Too sick to blog. Sinuses' menstrual cycle wreaking havoc. Blood. Chunky snot. Sinus headaches. Feels like my brain is being repeatedly rammed by a Buick. Not a Skylark, but one of those heavy ones from the '70s. Attempts at complete sentences: futile. Should return in a few days.]

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-45815072810360722312007-03-13T10:55:00.000-04:002007-03-13T11:02:49.302-04:00

[Earlier this week, I was behind some old dude in line at the gas station, and I was reminded of this post. He had a lazy eye, and he kept staring at me with this creepy gaze while I was trying to steal an issue of Plumpers while the clerk was distracted. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people with lazy eyes. Having a lazy testicle is one thing (Mr. Right Nut has been known to wander

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-81986049322546200592007-03-09T12:17:00.000-05:002007-03-09T12:35:26.665-05:00

[People love lists. People are stupid. I don't have anything of substance to contribute today (do I ever?), so I've decided to compile a list of my 10 favorite (non-jazz/blues) albums of all-time. Why don't I include jazz/blues? 'Cause Ornette Coleman would be kicking everyone's ass (except maybe Robert Johnson), and that'd just be ugly. So without further adieu...]1. AC/DC - Back in Black (

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-43837461861055765652007-03-07T13:23:00.000-05:002007-03-07T19:03:22.102-05:00

As most of you are probably aware, I'm not a member of either the Democratic or Republican Party. I'm a proud political independent, and I have equal disdain for both political parties.But a recent stunt by those liberal hippies in the Democratic Party has pissed me off enough that I felt obliged to comment.While browsing YouTube the other day, I ran across a much-publicized video of a speech

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-7396075953141189232007-03-06T10:38:00.000-05:002007-03-06T11:23:44.549-05:00

I always kind of figured that the internet was destined to go the way of Billy Beer and the Pet Rock. You know - one of those things that you'd look back on and say "Damn, 'member when we used to get on that computer internet and search for videos of dogs doin' it?". But it looks like this internet thing is really catching on.When I started this blog, I only planned on maintaining it for a couple

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-7753269010767278532007-03-02T11:13:00.000-05:002007-03-02T11:14:06.468-05:00

[This post is recycled. Don't like it? Bite me.]What's up with reality?I'm sick and tired of watching films where shit is exploding, attractive people are getting naked, and ninjas are flipping out and cutting dudes' heads off, only to have to return to crappy reality when they're over. I don't give a monkey's poop-chute what you say - cleaning up a drunken hound dog's puke and trying to talk

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1040336913200106522007-02-28T12:04:00.000-05:002007-02-28T12:34:14.265-05:00

I rarely write about my personal life, because much of is spent doing mundane things like searching for my car keys or thinking up clever euphemisms for anal intercourse ("drilling for natural gas" - hilarious!). But I've decided to make a rare exception to profile my brother, a true piece of work.My brother turns 24 next week. In his 24 years on this Earth, he has managed to maintain employment

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-56716153030933290812007-02-27T12:39:00.000-05:002007-02-27T14:55:42.237-05:00

The results of a comprehensive new study by five psychologists (to be presented today in San Diego) suggest that college kids are more narcissistic and self-centered than ever before.Well I've got news for all you little keg-standing, business-majoring, frat mixer-attending fuckers: you are not special or unique. You all drink the same shitty beer, listen to the same shitty music, attend the same

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-15547998646785585352007-02-23T09:43:00.000-05:002007-02-23T09:46:54.386-05:00

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later." - Mitch Hedburg[I've got nothing today]

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-57773214804351307002007-02-21T10:22:00.000-05:002007-03-07T19:04:02.015-05:00

Nobody ever wants to be that guy (or girl). You know - the dude with the "Party Naked" shirt on, riding around town in his Iroc-Z, or the chick on the cell phone, plowing through a group of school children in her (new) VW Bug. So, without further adieu, I present to you a (non-comprehensive) list of "those guys":1) Corvette Guy - 50-something guy. Loud Hawaiian shirt. Jimmy Buffett on the radio.

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-11782885137233988672007-02-19T12:25:00.000-05:002007-02-19T12:27:08.527-05:00

[In honor of Presidents' Day, I present to you yet another recycled post- Lincoln v. Washington. Laugh at it or move back to Russia.]Lincoln - freed the slavesWashington - also freed the slaves, but only in the scatological sense (I'm sure there's a 'Lincoln Logs' joke in here somewhere)Winner: LincolnLincoln - known for his integrity, nicknamed 'Honest Abe'Washington - made up some lie about a

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-11835373221281575852007-02-16T10:53:00.000-05:002007-02-16T11:43:28.298-05:00

Don't act like you have been waiting with bated breath for this [*drum roll*]: ol' Timmy is hereby officially launching an exploratory committee to figure out if he should run for President of the United States of America in 2008. This exploratory committee, unlike the "exploratory committees" that I launched in the backseats of many-a-car back in high school, will hope to resolve whether or not

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-22920883998041093062007-02-14T11:50:00.000-05:002007-02-14T11:52:09.037-05:00

[This is an old (retitled) post that I recycle every year on this day. Enjoy it or go to hell.]Valentine's day is just a holiday invented by Hallmark and the flower industry so that they can make more money.'Greeting Card Day' would've been a bit too obvious, so they chose 'St. Valentine's Day' instead.But, this isn't the only reason why Valentine's Day sucks.Let's face it: love is a chemical.

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-87875919137698549042007-02-13T11:55:00.000-05:002007-02-13T12:07:13.811-05:00

So this whole myspace.com thing is really catching on. I mean - it seems like everyone in the entire world has posted pictures of themselves half-drunk at some shitty bar on that thing.But yours truly remains a hold-out...Why?Well, according to all of the news shows, myspace.com is a hunting ground for pedophiles and sex predators. But it's important to remember that myspace.com also has a

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-22342906399931051812007-02-09T11:47:00.000-05:002007-02-09T13:20:47.349-05:00

I love American cops.After a visit to Mexico, where I got robbed by a bunch of Mexican police, I realized that American cops kick ass. Sure, it sucks when they give you a ticket for sexual assault at the zoo, but at least they don't rob you at gun-point or force you to give them a blow-job in the alley behind the cantina.But there's a certain breed of cops that I fucking hate.These are the cops

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-35342584201843659482007-02-06T11:44:00.000-05:002007-02-06T11:51:23.109-05:00

[When I first heard on the news about the astronaut love-triangle, this old post was the first thing that came to mind. Actually, the mind-numbing thought of a zero-gravity donkey-punch was the first thing that came to mind, but this post was a close second. Enjoy.]Yesterday evening I was lying on my couch, masturbating to the picture of the Indian girl on the Land O'Lakes package, when I

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-37181803994137806752007-02-02T10:53:00.000-05:002007-02-02T11:29:46.247-05:00

If Dave Matthews was a car, he'd be one of those new VW Beetles. You know - one of those cars that only chicks and dudes who are a little too comfortable with their sexuality for my comfort drive. He'd be a yellow one, with one of those cute little fake plastic flowers in a vase on the dash (if you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky). If I could drive The Beetle That Is

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-9992794129773895142007-01-31T12:55:00.000-05:002007-01-31T13:15:46.017-05:00

While all of those jackasses in D.C. are busy trying to figure out whether or not we need to yank our boys out of Iraq or send more, ol' Timmy has yet again managed to solve one of America's toughest problems without even breaking a sweat (or graduating the 8th grade). A while back, I wrote that America's best bet (concerning The Mess That Is The War In Iraq) is to begin outsourcing our military

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-60190700996769205112007-01-29T12:18:00.000-05:002007-01-29T14:10:47.317-05:00

There are few things in life that I find more entertaining than a dog licking its own butt. Now I know lots of you will pretend to be disgusted by this admission, but I challenge anyone out there in Internetland to truthfully state that they've never been intrigued by the act.I'm not ashamed to say that I can watch a dog lick its own butthole for hours on end, and never get bored.But when I watch

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-12152205375713365212007-01-24T12:43:00.000-05:002007-01-24T13:03:29.736-05:00

Last week at the North American International Auto Show in Detroit, automakers showcased all of the new gadgets that they plan to equip their new cars with. For example, Ford showed off its new Microsoft-based Sync system that allows drivers to surf the 'net and check e-mail from their vehicles.My only thought was this: isn't it about time we start removing distractions from automobiles (in order

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-844908155131810652007-01-23T11:07:00.000-05:002007-01-23T11:08:00.898-05:00

America seems to be full of people who attempt to maintain lifestyles that they simply can't afford financially. This is why credit cards were invented, and this is why the average credit card debt in America is over $8,500.Americans are spoiled jackasses. Commodities such as iPods, CD players, underwear, cell phones, deodorant, and cable television have been successfully marketed as necessities.

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-85060919102865750632007-01-22T14:51:00.000-05:002007-01-22T14:54:26.198-05:00

[I'm taking some time off today to mourn the resignation of Cowboys' coach Bill Parcells. I'll return tomorrow. In lieu of flowers, Cowboys fans request that donations be made to the Michael Irvin Crack-For-Kids Fund.]

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-60232724312084317712007-01-18T11:42:00.000-05:002007-01-18T13:03:35.579-05:00

I'm not one of those head-in-the-sand types that denies the validity of global warming. I think that it is a real phenomena, and I've even been looking into buying a beach house in Barrow, Alaska when I reach retirement age (without Social Security, I may have a hard time figuring out exactly when that is, though). But unlike all the mouth-breathing nerds with their "science" and "facts", and

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-3850034080526217132007-01-16T11:45:00.000-05:002007-01-16T13:30:48.700-05:00

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Day, and it got me thinkin' about race relations in the Good Ol' U.S. of A., and ways that I might be able to improve them. There's nothing I hate more than racism and ethnic stereotypes, and I'm always the first guy to correct my friends when they say that Mexicans are lazy or that chicks from Japan have sideways girl-holes. There are a lot of sources of racism,

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-36861477837110614762007-01-11T15:24:00.000-05:002007-01-11T15:45:24.390-05:00

So Barry Bonds tested positive for amphetamines last year...[*yawn*]Who gives a rhino's butthole? I know I don't.Bonds is an asshole, and I'd love nothing more than to see him castrated by a Joel Zumaya-fastball (103 mph). But if you're surprised that he'd use banned substances to enhance his performance and then cry and lie about it (watch for the race card), you're either the dumbest SOB on

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-69469886072009548272007-01-10T11:27:00.000-05:002007-01-10T11:13:25.382-05:00

[I recently realized that the last couple of posts have come off as kind of harsh, so I decided that I was going to post pictures of puppies and that one little black kid from television who isn't Gary Coleman to get everyone feeling all warm and fuzzy again. But then I had a better idea: I decided to post something about how ugly British women are. Enjoy.]All of you folks in New London,

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-48587873679206396832007-01-08T14:46:00.000-05:002007-01-08T14:47:52.164-05:00

It's time to put all of the PC crap aside, and take a look at a phenomena that's intrigued me for quite some time: butt-pirates and their lisps."Whoa, Timmy! Can't you refer to them as 'homosexuals' instead of 'butt-pirates'?"Well - yeah, I could refer to them as 'homosexuals', but I could also refer to them as 'men who like to penetrate other men's anuses', but I decided to take the high road

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-4026507605594151672007-01-05T11:30:00.000-05:002007-01-05T12:23:11.678-05:00

Last night, I was watching an episode of Globe Trekker on PBS, when I realized that Japanese people are the craziest bastards on Earth. Whether they're wearing clothes made out of Gummi Bears, crapping on each other during sex, or going kamikaze on the Allied Powers' ass, those zany folks from the Orient are always good for a "what the fuck!?!".Seriously - in Tokyo, you'll see people wearing some

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-23287525653334863732007-01-04T11:15:00.000-05:002007-01-04T14:29:05.227-05:00

So Saddam was hanging out with some friends of his, and they decided to make a video of their little get-together using a cell phone and leak it onto the internet. What's the big deal?With the advent of video phones comes the Death Of Privacy. While it's kind of sad that Privacy somehow survived the Patriot Act, only to be killed off by Verizon Wireless, I take solace in knowing that Privacy was

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-80228692986017507662006-12-29T11:20:00.000-05:002006-12-29T11:39:06.697-05:00

In a matter of hours, Saddam Hussein will be playing strip poker with Stalin, Hitler, the guy who introduced the designated hitter to baseball, and Pol Pot in hell. I'd imagine that they'll let Stalin win, because history has never been shy about the fact that ol' Josef is one seriously hairy dude, and he pro'ly isn't too easy on the eyes without his britches on (but that's hell for you, I guess)

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-26634735916036047782006-12-28T13:22:00.000-05:002006-12-28T13:51:21.620-05:00

When I was younger, there was nothing that I loved more than those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books (except for maybe lighting things on fire and the smell of turpentine, but we'll save those stories for later). In case you're unfamiliar with the CYOA books, I'll quickly fill you in (and I hope y'all don't bitch about me filling y'all in too quickly, like my ex used to): basically they're

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1166714453640971012006-12-21T10:13:00.000-05:002006-12-21T10:20:53.680-05:00

[This is a recycled post. I ran across it the other day, and have absolutely no recollection of ever having written it. The current plan is to make one final pre-Christmas post tomorrow, before I take a few days off to spend with my family (a.k.a. the guys who hang out at the strip club). Merry Christmas, all.]I'm looking to acquire weapons-grade plutonium.It's a real pain-in-the-ass to get ahold

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1166548726287358622006-12-19T11:38:00.000-05:002006-12-19T12:27:03.690-05:00

So I recently found out that Blogs Get Slaughtered got reviewed by some website called italk2much.com.... The review was less than flattering.Now, this ain't my first rodeo, and I'm no stranger to criticism and/or schoolyard wedgies, but I figured that I should at least be given the chance to respond to the critique written by some dude who looks kind of like one of the wrestlers from that Hulk

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1166463156747151022006-12-18T11:57:00.000-05:002006-12-19T11:01:45.816-05:00

"You're a dumbass, Timmy! Alabama is a state, not a city!"Listen up, you imaginary writer-of-responses - here in Texas, we consider anything smaller than 75,000 square miles to be a city, anything smaller than 30,000 square miles to be a rest stop, and anything smaller than 2,500 square miles to be an outhouse (I'm looking in your direction, Delaware).I recently took a trip through the Deep South

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1165940209884592922006-12-12T10:54:00.000-05:002006-12-12T11:16:49.916-05:00

The Cold War kicked ass.You couldn't ask for a better enemy than the Soviets. They had it all - crafty looking spies with monocles and goatees, an iconic flag (hammer 'n' sickle), drab-colored military uniforms, slightly-insane political leaders.... I mean - it was like they were trying be the perfect James Bond villains.And now what do we have? A bunch of crazy Arab dudes with towels wrapped

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1165856127793801192006-12-11T11:27:00.000-05:002006-12-11T11:55:28.106-05:00

It's a well-established fact that babies are stupid, and that only the stupidest people are breeding. This is nothing new, and shouldn't come as a shock to anyone.Solving the problem that is the rampant dissemination of stupidity is no easy task, but yours truly has solved it. It's going to require the cooperation of the FDA, fast-food chains, and scores of other organizations, but I think that a

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1165512578711615042006-12-07T12:16:00.000-05:002006-12-07T12:51:44.156-05:00

Houston sucks.This is a scientific fact, and you can't argue with science.In order to understand why Houston sucks so hard, I think it's important to know a little bit about Houston's history: Houston was founded by some foreigners or something a long time before I was born. "Houston" is a Polish word meaning "ass-raped by rush-hour traffic", and was chosen as the city's name when early settlers

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1165340869987221372006-12-05T12:44:00.000-05:002006-12-05T12:47:50.043-05:00

[Earlier today, I ran across the homeless dude (I call him "The Warlock") who inspired this recycled post at a convenience store. He was buying one of those 32 oz. Miller High Life cans. I don't think he remembered me. Thank God.]Lately it seems that I can't go anywhere without some homeless guy trying to kill me.This weekend I ran across some homeless dude in an alley and - without provocation -

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1164994001361344852006-12-01T12:05:00.000-05:002006-12-01T12:31:24.386-05:00

Every morning, when I open up the newspaper, I immediately turn to the obituaries. Why? Because the rest of the shit they print is just too damned depressing.... Reading about the deaths of thousands of people that I don't even know has got me thinking about my own death lately, and I've decided that it's never too early to start planning.First off, I want an open casket. I don't give a

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1164730609213178922006-11-28T10:56:00.000-05:002006-11-28T11:16:49.253-05:00

Sometimes, while I'm sitting on the couch, masturbating to the Indian girl on the Land O'Lakes label, I wonder what her life is like, and whether or not she's dating anyone. This is usually followed by me wondering if my roommate has noticed that the butter tastes like it's gone bad even though the expiration date is still a month away.But these aren't the important issues...1. Sometimes, on cold

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1164643978481987362006-11-27T11:00:00.000-05:002006-11-27T13:39:15.833-05:00

A little background information about myself: 1. I do not live with my parents.2. I have seen a real, live, naked girl (amazing, considering that I have a blog).3. I am not a stoner.With those facts established, most of you can easily deduce a fourth fact about me:4. I don't play video games.Don't get me wrong - I was down with Zelda (and all three Mario Bros.) back in '88, but I haven't bought a

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1163702328254934492006-11-16T13:20:00.000-05:002006-11-17T11:50:27.266-05:00

Fuck Tom Cruise.The guy's crazier than a shithouse mouse, and I couldn't care less who he marries or who he's sticking his Scientology-infected meat baton into. But for some reason, the magazines with bright colors and shiny, slick covers that hang out around the express lane at the grocery store seem to think that I do.They constantly feel the need to update me on the status of "TomKat" (God, I

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1163615650767388492006-11-15T13:33:00.000-05:002006-11-15T13:34:10.856-05:00

I'm usually not the type of person who sees an advertisement on television and decides to apply for another credit card in order to get whatever Mexican-made product it is that the washed-up former-Beverly Hills 90210 star is hawking. But I'll have to admit that I'm a sucker for those Valtrex commercials. You know - the ones where some hot chick is white water-rafting or mountain-biking or

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1163518129414509552006-11-14T10:16:00.000-05:002006-11-14T10:48:36.766-05:00

To hell with it...If those lazy bastards in Congress can't solve out immigration problem, I guess I'm going to have to do it for them. So here goes:Step #1 - Impose a mandatory fine of $250K on businesses for each illegal immigrant that they hire.Step #2 - Take a nap.Seriously - what's so hard about this? I'm not necessarily saying that we have to apply it to the illegal immigrants that are

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1163094279472882762006-11-09T12:20:00.000-05:002006-11-09T12:44:39.526-05:00

Magic kicks ass. Sometimes, while I'm in the shower, I do "the tuck" and magically transform myself into a girl (albeit a very flat-chested one). This always seems to entertain the thousands of (mostly imaginary) fans that I'm singing AC/DC's "Live Wire" to at the top of my lungs.David Copperfield has recently managed a neat little trick: he's somehow found a way to make any semblance of

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1162846457839478022006-11-06T15:35:00.000-05:002006-11-06T15:54:17.880-05:00

It's that time again - time for you, American patriot, to wipe that crusted nacho cheese from your chin(s), turn off that rerun of Mama's Family, get your fat ass into your 2-gallon/mile SUV, and head on out to the polls to determine which lobbyist-controlled millionaire best represents you.I know - it's hard to decide which guy to vote for. I have trouble, myself, deciding whether I want to give

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1162571564546047642006-11-03T11:29:00.000-05:002006-11-03T11:52:50.930-05:00

So another prominent right-wing Christian evangelical is being accused of (and to some extent has admitted to) having a fag relationship with a prostitute and buying meth from the aforementioned prostitute...*Yawn*Saints are just sinners who never quit tryin', and people shouldn't be surprised that ministers (even big-name ones who hang out with Jesus' racquet ball partner, George W.) are guilty

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1162407138679785842006-11-01T13:47:00.000-05:002006-11-01T13:52:18.710-05:00

From a WAFF report: "Police are calling it a shocking crime in Alabama."Police in Albertville say 19-year-old Gary Helms Junior is charged with raping his 45-year-old mother."Police say he did it to seek revenge against his brother after the two argued over a girlfriend."The police report says Helms' mother was passed out drunk on the couch when the rape started."She came to and recognized her

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1162226511526895352006-10-30T11:22:00.000-05:002006-10-30T11:45:28.343-05:00

In a previous post, I commented on my concern that the dumbest people in our society seem to be the ones who do most of the breeding, and the future is, therefore, destined to be full of retards. In other words, we're not going to have a future filled with flying cars, robot maids, and Michael J. Fox making out with his mother, rather it'll probably be filled with the type of people who are

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1161885263978338902006-10-26T13:47:00.000-04:002006-10-26T14:09:06.670-04:00

Sometimes when I'm sitting on the ratty couch in my shack-of-a-house, eating mustard sandwiches made with month-old bread, I like to close my eyes and pretend that I'm in a better place. That better place is usually Cartoon-World, where anvils falling from the sky can't kill me (for long), dynamite is plentiful, and Casey Kasem is there to provide my character's voice. Life is good.But there's

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7610654.post-1161795384543850172006-10-25T12:23:00.000-04:002006-10-25T12:56:24.606-04:00

In the last couple of weeks I've read numerous articles about the rising costs of a college education. Given the cost of a decent education, it was pretty remarkable that someone of my economic stature even possessed the literacy to read such articles, much less comprehend them.College is a scam, pure and simple.Even as recently as six or seven years ago it was possible for someone to work

Timmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14542705433547926897noreply@blogger.com3